Ah exams, here we are again.
My exams are fast approaching, with the first being on the 3rd May. I am nervous for them, but recent events in my life have made it nearly impossible to focus on studying. I used to be so driven, so keen on studying. I could see my future and I would be able to reach it so easily. And now it’s difficult to get through a single day.
I look back at my blog post about deadline week, and how happy I seem there. I was in a brief period, a brief respite in this downward spiral. I wish I could go back to it. Back to those moments where the pressing loneliness wasn’t destroying me, where the flat situation was bad but I had outlets. I didn’t felt trapped then, which is the difference between then and now. And it hurts to know that I am so lost that I can’t find my way back to that point by myself.
But I digress. Today I am doing some proper revision (let us ignore this blatant procrastination) and it seems to be doing me some good. I feel tired, but I like the process of learning and remembering all the things I know. I hope I can continue to feel like this, to find a focus to succeed in my goals. All I need to do is get through the next few weeks and then I can return home, and try to recover. This academic year is fast ending, and maybe after some proper reflection I can begin to get better.
It’s the only hope I have.