Long Time No See

Hey all, bit of a long post coming up so deal with me here. But hey, it’s been a while. 

I’m not entirely sure if anyone reads this, but I like writing and I like talking on a platform where maybe someone will read it so I don’t feel like I’m talking to a page that can’t reply back – you’re only good for so much diary – so here it goes.
When I was last on here, I was suffering. Badly. I didn’t know what to do, I was in the middle of exams and I felt like my entire life was falling apart. I didn’t want to be at uni, I didn’t want to be in Scotland. I wanted to be at home with my family and hiding from the world because the world had proven too much for me. I couldn’t cope. But I started getting counselling, started talking about the things in my life that had destroyed me, and I began to get better.
Yes, to begin with this was all triggered by a guy. I don’t blame him, not of it was caused by him really. I like to describe it as the foundations of my life had some really bad cracks, and all it took was one crack more for the entire house to come tumbling down. Unfortunately for him, he was that final crack. So that relationship is gone and there’s no way friendship is coming from it. But I don’t really want to be friends with him. So I think all of this has worked out alright in the end.
I passed my second year of university! Go me! It doesn’t count, I’m in Scotland; but considering everything I’ve felt I was proud. Did I use the semicolon correctly? Probably not. Let’s move on. Back to passing! It felt great, very pleased with myself and I’m actually starting to be consistent and not consistently bad – so that’s a bonus. I don’t really talk about studying much unless I’m doing it, so moving on.
I’m back home now, with my lovely cat. I need to upload a photo of him at some point, because he really is my favourite. Oh look at you telling me I’ve spelled favourite incorrectly computer. Shut up. I’m not American, the ‘u’ is important. So yeah. Back with the family, back with the three (?) friends I have in this town. But hey, the family are good. I’m painting my Warhammer models with my brother and we’re having some sibling time. Also we booked to go to New York! First family holiday since I was 9 (I’m 21 in September, it’s been a long time involving a divorce and a late father, I’m sure you’ll get the story someday) so I’m pretty excited. Family time is something I finally appreciate.
I go back to Edinburgh at the end of this month, and will have a new flat! Again, this is a massive positive because my old flat was slightly toxic. Also, awful internet. So I’m looking forward to living with new people and getting to know different friendship groups and essentially just feeling like a student that is actually happy again. That has been a while.

I think that’s all for now. Basically, it’s late, I want to sleep, I’m lazy. I bought some more makeup brushes? That’s the news for today. Promise I’ll actually post more soon. Love ya. 

Lucy 

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Our histories run down our rivers, down our rivers to the sea….I love Frank Turner lyrics.

The Life Update

One exam down, two to go. T-minus 23 days before I’m out of this flat for good. 

So, hey guys. It’s not going so great. Exams are stressful but I love focusing on the revision and I feel like this next exam on Tuesday is going to go great, or at least better than the first one. Human geography I’ve always struggled with, but physical processes I’m a bit more down with. Less waffle, more logic!
But yeah, it hasn’t been so much fun. I’ve cried a lot, and felt that old friend anxiety pretty much constantly. I had a bad spell on Wednesday when I went out drinking, and have now promised my close friends that I won’t drink until I’m more mentally stable. I think they worry more than they let on about me, about how I might do something or be a risk to myself. I don’t think I’m a risk to myself, I normally reason my way out of any feelings; but I do understand their concerns.
This flat is getting to be a little bit. I booked my train ticket home for the 30th May so now it’s just a case of lasting til then and then it’s back home with the family and people who understand what I’m going through properly. I do have one supportive flatmate and I will miss her so much when I go, but overall I will be glad to get out of this toxic environment. Not having a place at uni that I can comfortably call home really isn’t helping the situation.

So yeah. We’re getting there. Just focusing on the exams and trying to do well. Only 23 more days until I’m home. 

Walks Around Edinburgh

Today I went for a walk around the city I call home. 

I have had a relatively good day, despite my previous post containing the poem. Those thoughts constantly swirl around my head, although I hope that you realise from the last line that I am okay for the moment. I have found a routine to stick to, and plans to keep me focused on exams.
Today I met up with one of my closest friends and we wandered up to the castle, and around Edinburgh in general. We went to princes street, so she could get some new clothes and makeup. For once I didn’t buy anything, other than an ice cream outside of the castle. It was nice to be outside though, to feel the relaxing breeze and just to talk to someone who understands that I feel alone. It feels good to be appreciated, to know that there are people who wish to spend time with me and want to be friends with me. It seems hard to come by now a-days.

Edinburgh is such a pretty city. When I walk through it and hear all the shouts and sounds of the city, I feel slightly more alive. 

One Long Beat

I stare at the page,
Engrossed in growing despair,
One long beat to end.

The words that you said,
A thousand mosquitoes bite.
One long beat to end.

The cancelled plans turn,
Wrapping my isolation.
One long beat to end.

The weight to survive,
One more second, help arrives.
One long beat to keep.

 

It helps to write poetry sometimes. I know it isn’t happy. But it’s a way to keep going. A way to get thoughts onto a page. 

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