The Life Update

One exam down, two to go. T-minus 23 days before I’m out of this flat for good. 

So, hey guys. It’s not going so great. Exams are stressful but I love focusing on the revision and I feel like this next exam on Tuesday is going to go great, or at least better than the first one. Human geography I’ve always struggled with, but physical processes I’m a bit more down with. Less waffle, more logic!
But yeah, it hasn’t been so much fun. I’ve cried a lot, and felt that old friend anxiety pretty much constantly. I had a bad spell on Wednesday when I went out drinking, and have now promised my close friends that I won’t drink until I’m more mentally stable. I think they worry more than they let on about me, about how I might do something or be a risk to myself. I don’t think I’m a risk to myself, I normally reason my way out of any feelings; but I do understand their concerns.
This flat is getting to be a little bit. I booked my train ticket home for the 30th May so now it’s just a case of lasting til then and then it’s back home with the family and people who understand what I’m going through properly. I do have one supportive flatmate and I will miss her so much when I go, but overall I will be glad to get out of this toxic environment. Not having a place at uni that I can comfortably call home really isn’t helping the situation.

So yeah. We’re getting there. Just focusing on the exams and trying to do well. Only 23 more days until I’m home. 

Walks Around Edinburgh

Today I went for a walk around the city I call home. 

I have had a relatively good day, despite my previous post containing the poem. Those thoughts constantly swirl around my head, although I hope that you realise from the last line that I am okay for the moment. I have found a routine to stick to, and plans to keep me focused on exams.
Today I met up with one of my closest friends and we wandered up to the castle, and around Edinburgh in general. We went to princes street, so she could get some new clothes and makeup. For once I didn’t buy anything, other than an ice cream outside of the castle. It was nice to be outside though, to feel the relaxing breeze and just to talk to someone who understands that I feel alone. It feels good to be appreciated, to know that there are people who wish to spend time with me and want to be friends with me. It seems hard to come by now a-days.

Edinburgh is such a pretty city. When I walk through it and hear all the shouts and sounds of the city, I feel slightly more alive. 

One Long Beat

I stare at the page,
Engrossed in growing despair,
One long beat to end.

The words that you said,
A thousand mosquitoes bite.
One long beat to end.

The cancelled plans turn,
Wrapping my isolation.
One long beat to end.

The weight to survive,
One more second, help arrives.
One long beat to keep.

 

It helps to write poetry sometimes. I know it isn’t happy. But it’s a way to keep going. A way to get thoughts onto a page. 

Revision, Revision, Revision

Ah exams, here we are again. 

My exams are fast approaching, with the first being on the 3rd May. I am nervous for them, but recent events in my life have made it nearly impossible to focus on studying. I used to be so driven, so keen on studying. I could see my future and I would be able to reach it so easily. And now it’s difficult to get through a single day.
I look back at my blog post about deadline week, and how happy I seem there. I was in a brief period, a brief respite in this downward spiral. I wish I could go back to it. Back to those moments where the pressing loneliness wasn’t destroying me, where the flat situation was bad but I had outlets. I didn’t felt trapped then, which is the difference between then and now. And it hurts to know that I am so lost that I can’t find my way back to that point by myself.
But I digress. Today I am doing some proper revision (let us ignore this blatant procrastination) and it seems to be doing me some good. I feel tired, but I like the process of learning and remembering all the things I know. I hope I can continue to feel like this, to find a focus to succeed in my goals. All I need to do is get through the next few weeks and then I can return home, and try to recover. This academic year is fast ending, and maybe after some proper reflection I can begin to get better.

It’s the only hope I have.

A Brief Chat

Hey there, I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve really thought clearly. 

I said when I first started this blog that I wasn’t sure what form it would take. So far it has been an amalgamation of images and discussions about life. I am aware however, that my last post lacked clarity and was written on a night when I felt like I was about to lose everything. I feel lucky that I managed to get through it, with the help of close friends.

I feel it is important to be honest about the struggles currently facing me, and to announce that this may not be the happy blog I had originally intended. So here it is, the grand truth. Right now?

I am not okay. 

It’s strange how difficult those words are to type. How difficult they are to admit to the people you care about. I feel the fear of having to acknowledge my own weakness, acknowledge that I am no longer able to ‘power through’. It is not a weakness to admit you need help. I freely admit I need it, and am seeking it. But while in the wait for help, I can’t help but wonder about the situation I find myself in, and wonder about the past eight years. Has my life been building toward this moment? I don’t know. I don’t have any answers, at least not in this blog post. But there is nothing wrong about that.

I am not okay. But I am doing everything I can to manage that. 

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